Unhealthy Family Patterns

We begin getting our ideas about relationships from an early age. Even very little children observe those around them and start forming ideas about how relationships function. When we get older we usually imitate those behaviors in our own lives. This can be good, or bad. Relationships are complicated. They are usually a mixture of mature, maturing, and immature qualities, of personal strengths and weakness, of healthy habits and harmful habits. It isn’t easy to think about what needs to be changed or improved and harder still is taking those steps to mature into a well-rounded, healthy individual. Each step of growth is definitely worth it. It can help to understand current relationships by looking at our relationship role models.

Relationship role models are people we trust whom we have observed and learned from. They can be parents, grandparents, youth leaders, a boss, close friends that affect your ideas and behaviors in your own relationships, even if you don’t realize it. Think about a relationship you observed growing up.

• What are the first words and images that come to mind?
• What was the best thing about the relationship?
• The worst thing?
• When you were around this person or couple how did you feel most of the time?
• How did this relationship affect you and your ideas about men and women?

Often, actions and behaviors we observed growing up become what we consider to be normal and acceptable, even if they were not healthy. We can act out those behaviors, sometimes without even realizing it. It isn’t always easy to change. The first steps begin with being honest about your feelings and how your current relationship is affected. Start taking steps to improve your overall well being. Don’t expect to do it all at once, but just start by considering one or two healthy changes you can make right now to break out of harmful patterns learned while growing up. Work on those areas, seeking input from those trusted people in your life will be helpful as will observing people you admire that model qualities you want to improve in yourself. This can be hard work but it is also an amazing process; enjoy the journey!